Editing My Essay

I started editing my essay today. My group had some good constructive criticism about it. I tried to implement it as best I could. I went through it and tried to cut the fat like I learned in out Writers Workshop. This allowed me to expound on the ideas my group came up with while staying under the 4 page barrier. I think I did OK. I'll try to get the writing center to look at it before its due. To those that are in my group:

Irene: I wanted to expand on the backgrounds of the men who helped me, but didn't want to say too much. They have the right to privacy just like everyone else, no matter what some people may think. I tried to give details on Bull and a few other that I was very close to. I hope it shows that people can overcome anything if they truly want to. I also tried to reword my first paragraph to make it BOOM more.

Destiny: Expanding on my family was also something I had to cut. Before I knew it I had over a page and a half of nothing but my family. I ended up cutting a lot of it before I submitted my rough draft. I tried to put in some details about my family, specifically my Grannie who thought me the most about the morals I now follow. I tried to reword the sentences you commented on, about learning things I shouldn't and how it made me believe certain things. That was a sloppy paragraph and I think most of it needed deleted. I also tried to clear up and edit my first paragraph and make my thesis clearer.

Christina: I reworded my first sentence, hopefully making it a stronger, clearer thesis. I also found the misspellings and grammar errors and tried to correct any others that I saw.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and help with this Essay. Hopefully it meets your standards. I'm going to re-post it and let you guys read it and re-comment on it if you like. I'll also email you this so you're sure to see it. :-)